That was the question posed to me recently by a civilian friend.
“How does it make you feel, that he’s being deployed?”
Normally, the answers given are “pat”. They are the answers given by military spouses to all and throughout the ages.
“Oh, we’ve been through this so often.” OR
“It’s old hat.” OR
“You get so used to it.” OR
“You simply adapt and overcome.”
For the first time in my life, I actually voiced the answer to that question.
I am terribly resentful that he’s being deployed. Or even when he gets sent to some stupid army school somewhere. (Oh, and I was in the Army myself, so I can tell you exactly how stupid most of those schools are!)
I resent the fact that the army feels the need to part my family.
I resent the fact that because the army does so, I am suddenly EVERYTHING, ALL the time.
I resent the fact that I DO know that (most of) those Army schools are a stupid waste of time (and money, dear taxpayer).
I resent the choice my husband made to stay in.
I resent being left behind.
I even resent hearing from others how much they appreciate what my husband (and all service members) does (do) for our country.
And that doesn’t even begin to cover what I may or may not resent about political decisions that effects our lives.
But, mostly, I resent myself for feeling this way.
Because I do believe in our country and our military.
Because I do love my husband and support the choices he’s made.
Because my children and my family are everything to me, all the time.
Because SOME of those army schools aren’t so stupid and can save lives.
Because I am thankful that I can be left behind to take care of those he and I hold most dear.
Because I AM truly grateful to the military service member, and glad that others are too.
Because, regardless of how I feel about political decisions made, I understand that I do not have all the information that prompted those decisions.
I think, from now on, when someone asks that question, I shall stick to the standard answers.