What’s Grosser Than Gross?

Do you remember that line from your childhood?

For some reason the story I’m about to tell seems to shock the pants off people who “know” me well. I honestly can’t fathom why it would (seeing as they “know” me so well).

This story is really one of those fed up moments of life, but really we need to start at the beginning.

Once upon a time I married a man a mere 8 weeks after our first date. We eloped, so it wasn’t till sometime later that the man would meet my parents for the first time. And it wasn’t until that first meeting was becoming imminent that it dawned on my that my new husband had a knack for bringing up disgusting topics at the dinner table.

And, my father has a weak stomach. . .

As I did wish, desperately, for my parents to approve of this man, I explained the situation to my beloved, and he promised me he would be on his best behavior.

I think we made it through the appetizers.

I honestly do not know how, but my husband (yes, having been married only once, I am indeed talking about Jay) has an amazing talent to work fecal matter, intestinal issues, and other such disgusting topics into a dinner conversation.

And now the man is a nurse. . .may the fun never cease!

We have been married for over 20 years, and because I still wish my husband to be well thought of, I am forever asking before we go out in public for him to keep certain topics for later in the evening.

It seems he just can’t help himself. Somehow, something mundane will strike him as an excellent intro into the story of the “Great Big Turd”. (Seriously, I kid you not.)

So, in the not too distant past our family was invited, along with some other families, to dinner and a movie.  And, I again implored my husband to hold his tongue.

At some point during the main meal, I heard the conversation, led by Jay, heading to the deep-south nether-regions of the human body.

This was a family party and I saw the teen boys’ eyes light up with glee, and the teen girls’ glances showing perfect alarm. . .and, truly, I had just hit my “fed-up” point.

I mean, after over 20 years, I think anyone would have, wouldn’t you?!

So, I piped up and politely asked my husband to please cease and desist with such conversations immediately.

My loving husband then replied, “Christine, this is all perfectly NAT-U-RAL. I don’t see what you are making such a fuss about.”

To which I responded, “Oh, certainly honey. And when we are done with this conversation, we women could regale you with stories of the monthly menses, which is also perfectly ‘natural’. I’m sure everyone would be delighted with the topic of our choice whilst they are enjoying their pizza.”

At this point I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, our host putting his pizza slice down and looking seriously green.

Now, I will tell you true, I don’t think there was a pleased look amongst any of the females at my comment, but more importantly I noticed that Jay was truly uncomfortable.

The next day Jay declared a moratorium on all disgusting topics at the table.


It has not lasted, but I’m willing to bet that, in public at least, it will be greatly diminished.

Oh, and by the way, my husband always seems to be well thought of. . . I don’t know that I can say the same about myself.

This entry was posted in humor.

One comment on “What’s Grosser Than Gross?

  1. Laura says:

    Haha, somehow our efforts to control them tend to work out to our own loss of reputation. But I think you picked the right weapon to strike back with 🙂

    I hope the construction and clean-up ends soon. But it’s been fun watching the progress.

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